Poisson

Pont du Gard, France

I have several entries almost finished, but for some reason none of them quite match the timing of my feelings at the moment. Everyone talks about how the year 2020 flew by but for us 2020 went blissfully slow as we soaked up every second with our new baby. 2021 however has gone by in a blink of an eye. Like skipping stones in water we are now in 2022 and Fynn is already 22months old and I am still clinging to newborn muslins and shoes that don't fit him for dear life. It is definitely safe to say that I do not do well in “my baby is growing up” department. It is like trying to grab air as I grasp him tightly wanting to keep him small forever in my arms. I find comfort knowing that I have been home with him every second of his life, I haven't missed a thing- he quite literally has grown up in my arms. I am not sure if I will ever be ready for a second one. It is such a deeply emotional decision for me. I am treading water of deep love for Fynn that sometimes I think I will drown. I know if we added a second one- I will surely sink to the bottom (with love of course).

In the daily absence of adult conversation as I enjoy my season of Motherhood, I often daydream about our desires to live in Europe. In fact a week or so ago I probably kept my dentist from all her other patients too long. As we both talked about these dreams. She reminded me I needed to get back to writing and while my audience may be narrow, there are others out there like me with what most people would call -romantic ideas.

Perhaps I am being too romantic about it all, as I admit, but what's wrong with a little romance? What's wrong with freshly baked baguettes from markets on Sundays and drinking your coffee hot from an ACTUAL coffee cup on a roads edge under the classic red awning of a cafe in Paris or buying your cheese directly from the actual cheese maker. What is wrong with seeking a life that is inherently slower and less noisy with things that don’t matter?! If that's what romance has to offer than cupid here I am! I think about all the places I want to show Fynn and the culture I want him to experience. I want him to live in a safer world, a world with more diversity and unique opportunities. I want him to know just not one place but the many places the world has to offer.

I often get asked why we want to live in Europe and this for Jon and I have been something we have desired for a very long time. After our long trip in 2016 that really put our minds in the direction of Europe- when we came back after three months gone we  were not the same people coming home as we were when we left. After having a lot of time to reflect on the country we were living in during the pandemic we were often reminded of why we wanted to live in Europe.

It is not often life brings certainty. I have had it once before, it was when I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Jon. The second time, the realization that my life was not going to always be in America. Since this is a place of unapologetic honesty- I cannot wait to NEVER have to step foot inside another Costco, Target, side of the freeway shopping mall, starbucks, large chain operated grocery store, suburban copycat neighborhood ever again. Harsh I know but two each there own. I know that one day I will wake up and that will be the day that we are leaving the little world as we know it here in California.

Jon and I found out we were pregnant with Fynn in the summer of 2019 during our visit to the South of France. I always bring myself back to the day we found out and  how we spent the afternoon swimming under the Pont du Gard. How the day was long and sun was warm. I remember swimming and all the French families were enjoying their holiday. We left our things on the bank of the river. Our things obviously unattended, clothes, passports, phones and all! While were swimming and a young girl screamed next to us “poisson poisson”! “Fish Fish”! We all smiled, having shared in her excitement and I think a little bit of her fear as we realized they were all slithering next to our legs. We didn't need to be fully fluent to be in that moment together. We all smiled, having shared in her excitement. It was one of those moments that reminded me that no matter how intimidating the thought might be to move to a different country, with a different language, a different way of doing things, a place I had only begun to explore, that at the end of the day we are all just standing in the same water with the same fish slithering next to us and if we yell “Fish”or “Poisson” we can all share the same warmth of summer. I felt so connected to everything around me.

Perhaps, starting over in a country that is not your first language is part of the magic. You have to rely more on your emotions, intuitions, your patience with yourself and others to learn and thrive- and what an opportunity to do so! I look forward to being uncomfortable, embarrassed by my french as I fumble to find the correct words, making friends at parking meters and thriving. 

There is still so much to share about our decisions and moments in our journey that has brought us to this desire to move. But I do know, that summer in Provence changed my life in more than one way.  I remember that day, the day we found out Fynn was with us and feeling like it went on for eternity and I felt every second of it with such calm warmth. I remember seeing the huge smile on Jon’s face as he told me I was going to be “Mama”. Sitting in our small apartment overlooking the Eglise Notre Dame des Anges L’lise-sur-la-Sorgue. I remember feeling the little flutter Fynn gave me in my tummy and the little flutter in my heart that Provence left behind. I know that place still exists and is waiting for me. 

As time continues to stretch forward and I get further and further away from that exact moment in time-that day in Provence, in that small little town with the river running through it- my whole world changed, the feeling that this was it, this was the place I was supposed to be. I hold on to that day, that peace and warmth the sun provided- having no doubt that when I return, the sun will be just as warm and peaceful when I do.