Undetermined
Lately I have been a scrambled mess of emotions and thoughts. It's hard to write down something that flows enough to publish. Working through huge decisions, sorting through emotions, packing up memories in neat little places in my heart. Pivoting from dreaming to action, it's difficult to explain the emotions that come flooding in when we are ever so close to this huge change. It seems like a sharp turn in our life's trajectory. A self inflicted opportunity to grow. Most people are pushed into change, we are jumping in willingly and I am not sure which is more terrifying.
Right now my heart and my mind don't agree. They are competing for the last say when it comes to one of the biggest questions we are faced with. To sell or not to sell. The math makes sense but my heart doesn't agree. And while one would argue I was never any good at Math- this time I can't make an excuse. The numbers just adds up and as I try to comprehend it numbers fade into memories and moments of my life within the walls of our little blue house, our little cottage play out like a flickering old film player. Newlyweds, first time parents, childhood milestones, firsts, seconds and holidays. One baby to two! Successes and failures, life- so much life in the last 5 years in our home. It's hard to imagine it not being apart of our future.
Fynn wobbling down the hallway, little hands holding the window sill desperate for a look out the window. His room full of magic and bedtime stories. Little Rioux’s first steps and her relentless laughter fill the space as Fynn trots not far behind. Our 1940’s blue and white tiled bathroom that hosted many bubble baths and laughs. Sleepless nights of waking babies, two people who love each other like passing ships in the night surviving toddlerhood, firsts visits from Santa, easter egg hunts, boo boo’s and bandaids. It was all here. The formative years as parents and the formative years of our children.
This last year has been difficult for me to process as firsts turn into “is this the last”. It's devastating and wonderful to have your children grow, to lose friendships, to lose a sense of self as you invent a new one, for change to come as planned. The last year has been strenuous to separate happy tears from sad ones.
As we check off big list items like meetings with immigration attorneys and tax lawyers we align ourselves up even closer to picking our departure date. We feel like we are dwelling in a state of purgatory of sorts- stuck between waiting to leave and maintaining life in the present day. Heavy questions like whether to sell or not to sell. What is most important to us is to bring along or to leave behind. What will become of Fynn’s little friendships he holds dear, what of ours? Desperate to make our dreams a reality I try to sew all my tears to reason. I know we cannot maintain two different worlds and even though we asked for this change I have been making time to mourn the things that I know I will soon let go of and the decisions I know I need to make.
It's hard not to wonder, what is to become of our little blue cottage, what version of life we would have had if we stayed. I often hear that little whisper that has grown louder and louder since we first went to the little French town with the river running through it- saying “go -just go ”! We have had the great privilege of meeting the other versions of ourselves there, meeting the love we found, the life we knew we wanted more of. Once you find that peace it's hard not to honor it and lean into it or in our case jump fully and willingly. I find solace in that discovery we made so many years ago and it eclipses any doubt that lingers.
Feeling at loss for words at the moment, I will conclude with this quote from Carol Drinkwater’s book The Olive Farm. “I dont. It would be arrogance to claim that I do. I know where I have come from, what I am attempting to leave behind, the habits and experiences I want to shed like a skin, but not where I am going or even what exactly I am seeking. I am taking it as it comes, making it up as I go along. Pushing the boundaries of identity, hopefully to enrich, deepen (and) cultivate the spirit. Better to give it a shot than to stare at the rain through wrinkled rheumy eyes, sighing What if…”