Seasons
I heard someone say once, “don’t tell yourself no before the world does”. Imposter syndrome hits deep these days feeling like everyone else is doing everything I want to be doing or rather what I know I can do. It's hard to not tell myself no before I even get started. But when I compare my list of everything I provide for my family and line it up to all the free time I don't have, I am left with a meek successful outcome.
No one talks about how full of company you are and all at the same time how lonely being a stay at home mom can be. People want to divide the working moms and the stay at home moms as if they are two different breeds. Perhaps they are, but one thing is for certain both are working very hard and both are paying a high price just in different ways.
Being a stay at home mom has been the biggest blessing and curse all at the same time. 24 hour shifts endlessly until they are old enough to fend for themselves, monotony of house chores at its finest. Having no idea when the last time you had a hot meal, a long shower or a quiet uninterrupted thought was. You sometimes feel more lost about who you are than a teenager in the thick of high school. Adult conversation is scarce and you don’t earn any money but rather depend on your partner to provide all those other things. No one is comparing in my household but when you are the parent who stays home you feel- well a little less sometimes than the opposite you, the you that was before the children and the stay at home and the chores that became your job, the little humans that keep you running and your heart full. I wouldn't trade it for the world but I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I daydream about everything I know I want to accomplish, the business I want to have one day, the dreams I have for myself, the self outside of children, the dreams outside of this season I am in.
One of the biggest lessons I have learned since becoming a Mother was to choose not to feel guilty for wanting these things outside of the season I am in. When you're in Summer you daydream of Winter and when you're in Winter we daydream of Spring. It's what propels us forward. We are not meant to be still. Life is forward moving and even though we can appreciate and love the season we are in we can still look forward to the next or rather prepare for it.
So perhaps this entry is my reintroduction. It has been some time since I published what I have written down. Perhaps this is me giving myself permission to write, telling myself yes rather than no. Wrapping up my writing in a little bubble and blowing it to the wind hoping it finds its way to you. I often think of street artists who wake up and decide to go play their music that brings them joy even if it means playing on an empty street with no crowd. Eventually their music might bounce off empty walls and streets long enough before it finds someone who resonates with it and makes their way closer for a listen. I think about this often- perhaps I am speaking to an empty room. Perhaps the echo will remain for a while but hopefully one day it will build the community I hope to find or rather sometimes find me.
Opportunities have come about in our plan to move full time to France, it has reinspired me to get back to my art of writing, my canvas full of words I want to share. . I felt a great relief today like a kettle that has been taken off the fire. I am reminded that these are changes we asked for, prepared for, prayed for- they mean a great deal to us. My writing is a way to connect and share this journey we are on not only in this season but the next.
I am happy you're here or rather that one day you will be.